A long time ago when The Bowery was seedy it wasn’t uncommon to get hit on by a working girl. Let me be clear in saying that these working girls were nothing like that Julia Roberts bitch in that romantic comedy about a john falling for a trick. You get what you pay for in all things vice, and these were definitely dollar bin crack whores.
For years I hung around and even worked in The East Village/Bowery/Lower East Side areas of the city. My one mainstay of employment over the years was under a co-ed shelter. Two blocks north was another shelter. Around the corner from that another shelter. The next block over from the club I worked at was a porn store. There were two methadone clinics within a four block radius as well. So needless to say there would always be toothless crack bitches wanting to get you off for cheap.
Now you have to either wonder about the perseverance of these women (and the men that tried to look like them) or you had to wonder who the fuck keeps them in business. I for one always thought of it as AIDS personified coming over to remind me to get rubbers on the way home. But that is neither here nor there.
So there was this one trick that would harass me to no end my first year working in that area. As soon as the club would close and I’d make for the bank to deposit my cash, she’d be right there trying to hit me up. She was this scabby old hispanic woman with a few teeth missing. Maybe a biker “mama” at one point, but clearly no-one’s baby. Baby mama, maybe. Anyways, as soon as this hag would see me, she’d follow me and cat call me. Insisting that she knew I had some money on me (which I did) and that she could show me a good time (which I doubted, highly). At first I would try to ignore her, then I would try to play it off, and that was a total fail. Finally I had enough. So one night after seeing her around while at work, I knew she’d be ready and waiting to be my private dancer come closing time. Enough was enough and I was going to make this bitch fuck off. I devised a plan.
As I went for a coffee run before the end of the night I bought the BIGGEST cucumber I could find in the deli. I felt kind of silly doing security the rest of the evening with a cucumber in my jacket pocket, but whatever. It had a purpose so long as it didn’t break or get crushed in the few hours I had left for work. As I made my way to the bank, as predicted, my leathery vulture came swooping down looking for a hand out. This time I switched it up and said I’d play, but I just wanted a show. She agreed like a fool. We went to the sub-level of a building stoop where it is dark and away from prying eyes. She asked what type of show I wanted and I laid it on her. I pulled out my gigantic cucumber and told her I’ll give her $40 bucks for her to shove it up her ass. Half up front and the other half when that thing is halfway buried up her ass. Take it or leave it. See, that’s the one thing about being a junkie in need of a fix, you won’t say no to cash. I had her in a bind. She can take the $20 dollars and fuck off or she can humiliate herself for another $20. She was greedy and went for the full monty. She asked for lube and I only grinned and said “Nope, work with what you’ve got. You said you could show me a good time. Put your money where your mouth is.” She screamed, winced and probably could not shit for a week afterwards. Whatever, as soon as she had it lodged up there I crumpled the bill and dropped it on the floor. I didn’t need to stick around, I figured I had been just enough of a bastard to get my point across. She was yelling and screaming at me as I was leaving, but whatever. I wasn’t gonna be bothered with it.
I have to say while I could have done other things with that $40 dollars, it was well spent. That bitch wouldn’t even look at me again let alone harass me. Neither did the other tricks in the area. I guess word got around that I was one of those “crazy” motherfuckers. Which I was totally fine with. I didn’t expect some pimp to come and slap me around and I was even pleased when the hookers decided not to work in front of the club anymore. I did refrain from eating cucumbers for a minute, but I eventually got over that too.