How stupid can one be? The answer is simple, really fucking stupid. I find myself having put on some tight fitting bad idea pants here and again. I would like to share some of the more memorable ones at my own expense with you. I mean why not? If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Cocaine and poppers, for starters is a bad idea. There was a previous conversation on “party bottoms” at a local watering hole (not one of THOSE watering holes either) and one patron who happened to be gay overheard the dialogue and chirped up. Now mind you we were kind of having a bad laugh on the subject. Turns out this patron sitting next to us at the bar, was technically that subject. The dude swore by this combo but mentioned he likes “Tina” (meth, what the fuck? And why is this a gay drug?) better. He not only had some blow, but poppers as well. So why not?
Worst case scenario is that if I did magically turn gay from doing this, I’d wind up a victim to my own undoing. At least until the drugs wore off. Best case scenario is that I get fucked up. So the three of us jam into the bathroom of the bar and give it a go. You have to do a bump, wait a second for that to kick in and then you start hitting the poppers. You wind up like a baby fucking giraffe that got an espresso enema for a few minutes. Your heart beats like crazy and you get all red and warm. You feel woozy and yet you are perked and alert. I can imagine that it looks really unattractive. The shame of it all is pretty overbearing. I repeated this sordid process 3 more times and decided that enough was enough. I got the experience, sans anal rape, and was well over it. I’d recommend doing this at least once in your life.
Another bad idea is Gatorade and booze. Gatorade has all these lovely electrolytes that carry fluids into your blood stream faster. I learned all of this from watching Mr. Wizard as a kid. So one brilliant summer afternoon in my youth some friends and I decided to try it with some Bacardi 151. Wouldn’t you know? The shit fucks you up. I got so fucked up, I couldn’t remember my own name. It was a good cheap drunk. I proceeded to dabble with this for many a year. After a while I started to worry about my kidneys and liver and put this bad boy to rest. I recommend this for people between the ages of 17 and 21.
Finally, what is probably the worst of the worst that I can think of at the moment: My experience with Biofreeze. Biofreeze is like Ben Gay or Tiger Balm times a thousand. A coworker had put me onto this stuff when I pinched a nerve in my neck. I do recommend it for it’s intended purposes. I do not recommend it for anything else. Allow me to explain.
I had been working the 4pm to midnight shift at this prepress shop. I almost never got out at midnight and I would find myself really bored waiting for jobs to drop in the wee hours of the morning. So here I was with this bottle of Biofreeze and I was curious to know how bad it would be to put a little bit on your balls. The answer is pretty bad. It took a while for the burning sensation to wear off and the shit had me sweating like a catholic priest in a daycare center. After it was said and done, I laughed at the experience. Now while a smart man would stop there, my dumb ass decided to take it further. Seeing as how I toughed out chemically roasting my sack, I figured I would up the ante and put some on my asshole.
Why? Because I was that fucking bored.
So I proceed to take my tube of Biofreeze and go to the bathroom of my job and rub this ointment on my rabbits nostril. This really fucking hurt. Not only did it hurt, but I swear it made my ass feel like it was going to dilate wide enough for my lower intestines to fall out. Did I mention that it fucking hurt? This move had me running around my little backroom area like I was Speedy Gonzales and left me feeling rather dizzy from the shock and pain. Of course I had to suck it up and let my coworkers think I was on drugs or something rather than explain what I had just done and how stupid I am. It’s not like I could have an honest moment and explain to these people in a civil and honest manner that I had just put a very strong ligament cream on my genitals and anus. As a friend of mine would say “No Bueno”. I don’t ever recommend trying this at all.
I later confessed to my father over a couple of beers what I had done. He looked me up and down and asked me two very important questions: Why are you telling me this? And where did I go wrong as a father?
I don’t know Pop, I just don’t know.