I don’t usually say sorry but when I do I totally mean it for the most part. It’s not a word to be thrown around casually and for me, I rarely find myself wanting to apologize.
See, I don’t feel the need to say sorry for reasons that may or may not be mentally healthy. If I say something out of line or shocking to another person or may outright offend said party and it was an honest opinion, I do not see why I have to lace that with an apology. If a person asks for something and upon receiving it finds that it is not what they had in mind, then it is not my problem. Not gonna say sorry if I hit you either, unless it was an accident, you must have done something to ask for that too. Why should I feel bad for that? If anything I get more mad that it has come to this and now we are going to have to ruin it for everyone around us. If anything I feel owed an apology.
That said I do feel the need, out of courtesy for the most part, to say sorry if I step on your shoes or bump into you on the train. Everyone should have some manners. Even the most indecent of God’s creatures should have them. Nothing wrong with that.
But if I hurt your feelings for some reason I will rarely say sorry. More than likely I mean to do it. And if I didn’t or I am just acting like an asshole amendments will be made. Also, a large part of meaning you are sorry is also accepting the fact that the offended party can still stay upset with you indefinitely. So when people go “I said I’m sorry!?!” after realizing that it takes more that words to apologize, 9 times out of 10 they didn’t mean it. Drunken bar antics and the like excluded.
So this brings me to the heart of the matter. Not that there are a lot of people I want to say sorry to, but there are a few people out there that I have always felt a little guilty about how things went down. Two ex-girlfriends, 3 old acquaintances and a few people here and there that got the raw end of a bad day. Some of these people I will never be able to say sorry to and some I may not ever muster up the courage to. But there are a few in-between who I did track down via networks like Facebook or Myspace and have begun to say sorry. I don’t expect to hear back from some of these people. Some will just think it is my usual strange behavior, I’m sure. But hopefully I can put some peace of mind to a few. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain on this move.
It kind of started when a friend died and I never got to see them and tell them that I really thought they were something special. It really struck a nerve that I couldn’t tell someone who is supposed to be my friend and is dying how much they meant to me. It got me to think that maybe there are some other people out there that maybe, just maybe I should let them know how I felt. Maybe even say sorry for being a jackass. I don’t expect anything from it. If anything I am being selfish and trying to pad my fall into Hell a little bit. Who knows? But I do know that it’s the right thing to do and a step in a more mature direction.
I also have a list of people I have been meaning to tell to fuck off. It’s longer than my apology list and will probably feel better than any blow job on earth.