Archive for February, 2009

More Than Fashion……

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2009 by dissectingthefetalpig

Ok, not like I should talk. I like to look nice these days. I was also a skinhead, which makes me predisposed to expensive european designers. But that at least pertains to that subculture and even with that said, I still laugh at people who are total fashion divas. And speaking of divas I bring you:

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Davey Havok

Now for those of you that are blessed enough to not know who he is, he is the singer for a band called A.F.I. At one point they were more of a snotty punk/hardcore act. Now they are the heart throbs of every fat black mascara wearing fishnet sleeved androgynous hot topic loving boy and girl.

Not that I was ever a fan and got all ass sore that they changed sounds, but christ almighty have times changed. You never went out looking like this unless you were either Pete Burns from Dead Or Alive or a Thai ladyboy. I’ll give you some comparison footage.


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If  you can tell me which witch is which you have more time on your hands than I. And a serious problem.

How did music get this bad and why are so many people into it. What’s worse is this look isn’t that shocking to people anymore. It used to be shit like mohawks and mc boots were the thing to piss of your parents, then it was the whole New Kids On The Block phase that had parents worried about what their kids were into followed by the Marylin Manson bisexual suicide cult. MM really pioneered this look. Then the Emo kids took it another level. I am honestly afraid of what is next. Perhaps the uber tough guy look meets Prince’s assless chaps? God help us all.

True Story #1 Dissecting The Fetal Pig

Posted in True Stories with tags , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by dissectingthefetalpig

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My very good friend Davis was a year ahead of me in high school. He and I had a few classes in which we would proceed to do all sorts of dumb shit in the name of teenage kicks. For example:

One time we went on a field trip to a chiropractic college with our health class. Our health teacher however was not really a good example of “health”. The bitch was huge. And she was notorious for constantly snacking and eating. I know this sounds like I am going on a tangent, but this plays into something that happens later. On a further derailment, why are health teachers so fucking fat?

So we were under the impression that there would be back massages and shit like that involved. I mean it’s a chiropractic college right? And of course we had to drop some acid. It’s not like we are going to have to look at cadavers.

As we go along our trip we put in a room with a huge glass window. Behind the glass is a professor, our gluttonous health teacher and a dead body. They are on some rigmarole about god knows what. At this point everybody sounds like Charley Brown’s teacher. Then it happens, our teacher picks up a spleen or a kidney, I am pretty sure it was a spleen, and holds it up by her head. Davis screams that she is going to most definitely take a bite out of it. Which honestly if it were deep fried or covered in chocolate she would have. We then both turn white as sheets and dart out of the room. Making scene doing it too might I add.

It’s hard trying to talk your way out of a situation like this when you are tripping and not wanting to get busted, but we did it. I think we used the “squeamish” excuse. That was one of many antics that would lead to us not being allowed onto school field trips and that was pretty much a prime example of what fuck ups we were everyday for several years.

He and I were also well known for going to the gas station and drinking 40’s after blood drives.

Anyways, I had to dissect a series of dead things in biology. There was the ever boring planarian tapeworm. The frog, whom to the dismay of the poor girl that was my partner started to do the whole “Ragtime Gal” WB Frog song and dance with his guts hanging out. And finally, the fetal pig.

Now I wasn’t doing too well in biology at this point. It wasn’t a matter of intelligence so much as it was a lack of interest in my being in school. I didn’t want to flunk and I realized way late in the semester I needed to up my game. Davis having taken this class the year before informs me that if you can remove the brain you get extra points. He then tells me how to do it. You make a small tear with the scissors and then use the scissors to pry the soft skull open as opposed to trying to cut it open. As to not damage this dead pig’s noodles.

It totally worked, I got some extra points and somehow passed that class with a D.

On a side note if you can remove the eyes, which pop right out, and microwave them for a few seconds on low they make little super bouncing balls. I do not suggest doing it in the teachers lounge. Because if you get caught you will wind up in detention or worse. Let’s just say I have the insider’s tip on that one.

The Lighter Side Of S.I.D.S.

Posted in Rave with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by dissectingthefetalpig

I know what you are thinking. Why the fuck would anyone think that Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is a good thing? My response to that also comes in the form of a question. “Why does it have to be such a bad thing?”

You are totally looking at things the wrong way when you think S.I.D.S. is a bad thing. When the black stork comes and takes the little bundle of joy back to the nest he may be causing the parent to be upset, but think of all the harm that baby could have caused. That could have been a potential rapist, serial killer, child molester or future GOP member in that cradle. We all prosper when there are less of these. Think for a second. If you could have had the chance to push baby Hitler in a well you could have done something that would have benefited hundreds. Thousands? Maybe even 6 million? (I don’t know where that last figure came from). Imagine if Patient Zero had S.I.D.S. There would be no AIDS. We’d still just be bitching about the clap! Herpes would be the worst of it. And not that I want herpes, but I’ll take the love bump over the ninja if I was forced to choose.

You are also not looking at it from the perspective of population control. For every dead baby out there, there are two Big Macs for every fat American. We could possibly end world hunger at that rate. Starving millions would dwindle to starving hundreds after a while. You tell me if that sounds horrible and I’ll show you an Ethiopian or two that wants to raid your fridge.

As a parent you can also look at it as a way to do things you couldn’t do before. Now you can travel, go out and see the world or stay up late and watch porn and fuck like rabid hyenas without any worries of how it might affect your young one. It’s cost effective too! No need for car seats, clothes that they will out grow, babysitters or tuition for college. Those will soon be things of the past. You don’t have to work 80 hours a week to pay for a mortgage on a house that will accommodate your family in a decent area anymore. You may even find that it brings you and the little wife closer. See, S.I.D.S. even has a romantic side.

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Another Reason To Hate The Straight Edge Movement

Posted in Music, Rants with tags , , , , , , , on February 18, 2009 by dissectingthefetalpig

I never was straight edge and I am really proud of that fact.  Despite my malt liquor heydays and other periods of substance abuse, I never took it to the level where someone would look at me and say “You sir have a problem!”.  At least not when it came to drugs and alcohol anyways.  Again, I never looked at absolution as an answer but I did clutch onto moderation.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.

I always thought the majority of kids who subscribed to this dogma were sheep. It was a crutch for them. A lot had a sympathy angle working too. You’d hear a lot about SXE kids who used to have problems but now they are “saved”. Praise be to Govinda. So you don’t do drugs? Big deal. I don’t like Swatch watches. Who cares?

That being said I did appreciate a lot of Straight Edge bands.  Minor Threat, 7 Seconds, Chain Of Strength, Bold, 108, Slapshot, SSD, etc.  Some of those guys wrote some good tunes.  And some of those drug free anthems sound even better when I am fucked up.  Oh the irony.

Other than that I didn’t care for a lot of the kids in that scene.  It always seemed like the majority of them preached to the converted.  And that was lame.  I have a few friends that are still clutching the X and I have a lot of respect for them.  They also do things like hang out in bars and not judge me for getting fucking blasted.  It’s their choice and I can totally respect that.  And if anything the few that are like that are very admirable and make me want to be a better person when I am around them.  That is a fucking role model.  Not Ray and Porcell.  Not a bunch of kids who have the same ideas sitting around and saying “Yeah, fuck those dudes” and especially not anyone who rocked Stussy gear and bleached their hair back in the day.  Especially them.

Besides we all know that the majority of kids that are nailed to the X are going to fall off once they turn 21 anyways.  Ask Springa.

But while my subculture clean cut counterparts were saying no to sex, meat, drugs and alcohol, they were saying yes to money.  And here I present you with the latest Sacred Cash Cow: Photobucket

I don’t even know what to say about these.  I hope that somewhere in Bombay there is a Krishna temple that will benefit from the sales of these things.  I guess I am glad that they are Vegan friendly.  I also wonder if I can get a full reimbursement for all the shit I bought from them at the going collectors rate.

Jesus Christ I can’t catch a break.  It’s bad enough that Fred Perry and Ben Sherman are mainstream.  Never mind the fact that the ghetto girls in my neighborhood rock braces (as in suspenders, not dental wear).  I will even turn my head head at those Ed Hardy “Punks Not Dead” hoodies.  But when it starts to invade my record collection it is getting personal.

Revelation Records can eat a fat dick.  What’s next Rock O Rama by Gucci?

What’s dumber than dumb….

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2009 by dissectingthefetalpig

I would say starting a fight with a traffic cop who is giving you a ticket when you are in a no parking zone is pretty dumb.

Now I will admit that traffic cops are to law enforcement what dentists are to the medical industry. Hated. But getting mad because you were blatantly parked in a no parking zone and getting a ticket is dumb. I got to witness this today and I must say that it was rather amazing.

See I may not like traffic cops, but I hate snobby rich people even more. I hate that they feel entitled to almost everything and they have this total lack of disregard for everything and everyone. If ever they made a day where I could kick every snobby asshole in NYC in the crotch from sun up to sun down, you bet your ass I’d have a stump for a leg the next day from all the kicking. And it would be so worth it.

So today as I am walking through the ever so lavish West Village I see a guy come darting out of a store and proceed to scream at this traffic cop who is giving him a ticket. Now I don’t know about you but usually when people scream at me I tend to not want to comply with anything they say. This traffic cop wasn’t going to budge either. It also didn’t help that he was parked right in front of a “NO PARKING” sign. It was pretty obvious that he shouldn’t be there. The sign doesn’t say “No parking, unless of course you really feel the need to” or “No parking for more than 5 minutes”. It just says NO PARKING. Period. End of story. You should not be there.

So as I said, this guy is yelling and screaming till he is beet red in the face over this. The officer’s lack of regard for his feelings only escalated this gentleman’s temper tantrum. As the traffic cop went on to ticket other cars, our antagonist in Yves Saint Lauren proceeds to follow him and scream some more. He even goes so far as to grab the cop and turn him around and say “Dammit, I am talking to you!”.

I would like to take this moment to mention that there is a fine line between balls and stupidity. When the Civil Rights Movement stood up to police oppression against minorities, that took balls. Yelling and grabbing a cop over a ticket is just fucking stupid. It can also be viewed as assaulting an officer of the law. And that can come with a hefty charge.

Needless to say another police car rolled up and our loser was arrested. But not without a fight. When his glasses got knocked off he mentioned that they were Prada and that someone needs to pick them up. I am hoping one of New York’s many homeless are rocking those fuckers right now.

The irony of all of this is that the cost of the ticket won’t even cost a quarter of what his legal fees are going to be. He is also going to have to get his car out of the pound and still pay the ticket as well.

Some days there really is a god.

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