My very good friend Davis was a year ahead of me in high school. He and I had a few classes in which we would proceed to do all sorts of dumb shit in the name of teenage kicks. For example:
One time we went on a field trip to a chiropractic college with our health class. Our health teacher however was not really a good example of “health”. The bitch was huge. And she was notorious for constantly snacking and eating. I know this sounds like I am going on a tangent, but this plays into something that happens later. On a further derailment, why are health teachers so fucking fat?
So we were under the impression that there would be back massages and shit like that involved. I mean it’s a chiropractic college right? And of course we had to drop some acid. It’s not like we are going to have to look at cadavers.
As we go along our trip we put in a room with a huge glass window. Behind the glass is a professor, our gluttonous health teacher and a dead body. They are on some rigmarole about god knows what. At this point everybody sounds like Charley Brown’s teacher. Then it happens, our teacher picks up a spleen or a kidney, I am pretty sure it was a spleen, and holds it up by her head. Davis screams that she is going to most definitely take a bite out of it. Which honestly if it were deep fried or covered in chocolate she would have. We then both turn white as sheets and dart out of the room. Making scene doing it too might I add.
It’s hard trying to talk your way out of a situation like this when you are tripping and not wanting to get busted, but we did it. I think we used the “squeamish” excuse. That was one of many antics that would lead to us not being allowed onto school field trips and that was pretty much a prime example of what fuck ups we were everyday for several years.
He and I were also well known for going to the gas station and drinking 40’s after blood drives.
Anyways, I had to dissect a series of dead things in biology. There was the ever boring planarian tapeworm. The frog, whom to the dismay of the poor girl that was my partner started to do the whole “Ragtime Gal” WB Frog song and dance with his guts hanging out. And finally, the fetal pig.
Now I wasn’t doing too well in biology at this point. It wasn’t a matter of intelligence so much as it was a lack of interest in my being in school. I didn’t want to flunk and I realized way late in the semester I needed to up my game. Davis having taken this class the year before informs me that if you can remove the brain you get extra points. He then tells me how to do it. You make a small tear with the scissors and then use the scissors to pry the soft skull open as opposed to trying to cut it open. As to not damage this dead pig’s noodles.
It totally worked, I got some extra points and somehow passed that class with a D.
On a side note if you can remove the eyes, which pop right out, and microwave them for a few seconds on low they make little super bouncing balls. I do not suggest doing it in the teachers lounge. Because if you get caught you will wind up in detention or worse. Let’s just say I have the insider’s tip on that one.